Paranoia? Guess so…

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This Bon Jovi song “I’ll be there for you” has been playing distantly at the background; a cliché song from the 1980s but it’s still great to listen to the legendary Rock Star Ballad of the 80s.

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Sometimes, I worry so much about what people think of me. Strangers too. The other day I had this contemplation of how people (my friends mostly) tend to treat me; No. I don’t plan on playing the victim card here. What I meant is, despite they know how fragile I can be or probably how stupid I could be for being too nice and let-everything-slide; I even wondered if they even respect me after they witness how my mentor/friend treated me with his ruthless attitude (with respect) to help me build a character that I am about to build up. As they have seen me going through this process of “changing” they probably might have decided to take advantage of my weakness and do the same thing to belittle me. Then again those are just thoughts.

My capacity for disappointments is boundless, as one who has stolen a glimpse of the better things to come. I countlessly make mistakes. I have learnt, and I won’t stop learning. My future depends on how I can shape myself up today. I admit one of my flaws is having loads of excuses and has become part of my disappointment that I truly want to change about myself.

The past disappointments have probably made me passive-aggressive person, like the saying goes “Sometimes, when you can’t change something/situation, it changes you.”

I can’t change anything about that past heartbreak but it definitely made me a different person today. It made me weak. It made me someone who couldn’t forgive but seek revenge. It irritated me of who I am right now.

I wonder what people I don’t know think of me as.

Or am I just Paranoid?

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Stronger than your past

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Waking up every day praying for a brighter start

Anticipating each challenge so I could do my part, I will

Live like there’s no tomorrow.

Knowing I’ll grow stronger to reduce my sorrows.

I will continue to keep my feet on the ground,

Never mind these people verbally throwing a pound.

Giving myself

A break.

Walk out.

Absorb this positive vibe as I whisper to myself

You are stronger than you were yesterday.”

Coping up with Friendshifts

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Did you ever have any setbacks with a special friend whom you actually thought of growing old together or by coping up with the challenges together and experience an adventure; then one day just because of a single misunderstanding everything started to dissolve into thin air?

Have you ever felt that, you thought you were part of a clique from the constant calls of “Hey lets hang out?” even when you were so busy you still manage to find time for your clique and just hang out for the sake of friendships; when you were actually suppose to be taking some rest; then suddenly it stops because of you aren’t “TOO COOL” or the stupid excuses that’s been thrown at you “YOU WERE TOO BUSY” at a certain point of your life.

I think we have all experienced that at some point of our lives. A lot of us have been taken granted of the word “Friendship”. It was quite a disappointment that we had to go through that and with the perpetual emotions of being lonely in terms of these special friendships whether it’d be a lover or the so-called-bestfriends moments. 

Circumstances change.

Not all friendships are meant to last forever. As time grows by, you will realize the selection of the people who are close to you will end up becoming smaller or perhaps none.

I faced the fear of not having much friends for the past 10 years of my life. I’ve been through a lot with these friendship that was put to a sudden halt. I am still not sure whether it was just ME in general or my personality or their way of not dealing directly with me.

Women are a discursive bunch. I had a friend whom I could talk about almost anything or everything in life for record amounts of time spending days and nights talking non-sense became uncomfortable with me after a single misunderstanding airing our grievances with one another as an adult… Where did the silence between us come from?

A painful reminder of the failure between us, will always have a part of me wondering how she’s doing or what has she been up to.

This makes me wonder, sometimes outside circumstances force our relationships to shift and move apart; other times its a decision you consciously make to walk away.

One shouldn’t be afraid to move on with their life as soon as these friendship ends. You should take responsibility even if the break-up was messy or ended in a not-so-positive-way. Trust your inner guidance more, and then get ready for new friendships or relationship. Release your guilt and grow.

In order to gain friendship is to be-friend with your inner conscience first.

Bisous,

 

Angie

The Passion That Steve Jobs Had

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I have just watched a movie about Steve Jobs whose character being played by Ashton Kutcher; the astonishing fact about how Steve started out in his father’s garage, how he and his friends all started out to build something out of the box. Their spirit with so much passion to build something innovative is very hard to find now a days; What is more remarkable is how he became someone in history.

What I’ve learned from watching that movie and a little bit based on research and reading about his life before his death:

  1. I knew how Steve never gave up thinking out of the box. He still kept that passion going.
  2. Even if he was betrayed by his partners/shareholders who could not support his passion towards him running the company, he still believed in himself that he’ll get it back.
  3. He lost himself along the way towards success, but that’s what we all have got to learn and face sometimes; the most saddest fact when he lost his friends on his way to success. Overall how he learned how to let things go.
  4. Last but not the least, he just never gave up in his dreams to run his own company.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – Your Gut, Destiny, Life, Karma, Whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” – Steve Jobs

This inspires me to be the person who I intend to be; regardless of how many barriers I had to face every single working day of my life. Surely I do not want to be ridiculed by the people whom I worked for (like how Steve would say “I just can’t work for other people…”; so with sincere perseverance, I want to be able to fulfill my hunger glass for knowledge towards filmmaking, photography, all media related, to produce something that I want to be able to change; the views in people.

Ask these questions every day; What do YOU really want to do in your life that YOU want to say “I took the risk AND it is all WORTH it”; More importantly what would YOU want to feel before going to bed every night?

Bisous,

Angie

Blogging 101

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I think I’ll take this as one of my personal online chronicle throughout my journey towards what I do at work, life, growth towards my goals; probably as a medium to communicate all over the internet to get myself inspired with a simple online record.

Surely I’ve done a few blogs; that has been pretty much abandoned over the past few years. *blurs away into nostalgia* (Teenage years of vents and rants) Which I hope I won’t necessarily need to do that in this blog.

I love to write/type what ever I had to say. I don’t have much ability to speak my thoughts out vocally every time; I had the tendency to stutter my sentence often (will get over that soon).

Moving on; with a request of a dear friend of mine. I have decided to start blogging again. 🙂

Cheers!

Bisous,

Angie.